empty

Empty.Thats how i feel.

Life would be so much easier if emotions could be controlled or guided.But they cant they're completely seperate from the brain and all forms of logic. They dip and rise,twise and turn like a rollercoaster. At times they feel like the most stupid and crazy thing in the world and the worst think is you cant do anything with them. You just have jump on them if you an and sit through them if you cant. When you cant its the worst thing in the world. When you cant it really is horrible.Especially when you know how illogical and stupid it is its rediculous but you still cant shake it or change it.
The horrible thing is all logic is devised,everything in the world when you think about it is false.Why is a table a table? cause man said so.Why is gravity -9.8m/s^2...because it was metre is a length decided on by man and it jut so happens that gravity causes us to accelerate at that rate.
Feeling are some of the only truly real things that exist,and hence they are the most important.
So when they are being stubborn and illogical,it really can make life suck!

just erghh

Im sat here trying to revise for a physics exam and i just cant do it.I just dont have the drive or the willpower to force myself to trawl through gauss's and faradys laws and capacitance and all that bullshit.
I havent slept in 2 days and I just feel completly frazzled with it all.
I just want to sleep,I wanna rest my eyes and get rid of this feeling of crying that comes with being so tired your working to keep your eyes open.
I wanna go to bed but i know that its pointless because I wont fall asleep anyway ill just lie there feeling time go past and thinking about things until my alarm rudely interrupts me!
Atleast this is the last exam tommorow so not sleeping wont be so bad!

The only thing recently thats made me feel awake is seeing my awesome friends! they put a spark in me and I dunno how they do it but i love them all for it:)
I get an even bigger spark when i see this girl at uni :) and i managed to get the balls to as her on a date!

The only thing is now i worry that she didnt realise i was asking her on a date cause i never said the word...I mean im fairly sure she did realise but im not 100% sure....I realy really hope she did, I dread the thought that she didnt realise I really do.
I just feel i need this at the moment, even if it dont work out and its just a date.

I just cant wait for holidays...i only hope i sleep enough to enjoy them!

Being a bloke

Being a typical bloke i have 2 things on my mind..sports and girls :)
this is about sports....and music

RUGBTY TOMMOROW , RUGBY TOMMOROW XDXDXDXDXD
GAHHH IM SO EXCITED!!!
and nervous aswell....new people,me being rusty,going up to adult level and other such things
but stilll
XDXDXDXD MUCH EXCITEMENT XD

Had an awesome weekend aswell
the gig was AMAZING! and i hadnt even litened to them all tht much :P
they were so so good!
and was good to head out with my friends also :)
nd then had awesome time sunday aswell :)
Life is fair good :)

Be Human

Feeling rather mortal at the moment
things just feel strange...feeling incredibly human
susceptible is i suppose how you would describe it
Grandad dying still seems a bit surreal...hard to think next time i go to england he wont be there
Friends in England seem further away then ever...even my bromance with Joe feels weak at the moment
I miss that dude :(
Also desperatly in need of some affection right now...i feel like theres a barrier around me
even towards my friends
and it feels like im making it.

Pent up energy

I have so much pent up energy right now... feel like its gonna explode and make a mess everywhere unless i use it!
playing rugby :) year and a half is far too long to go without... driving me crazy!!
The only thing i can liken it too is trying to hold your breath... you can hold on feeling fine but then it gets to that part where your body just craves air and you cant resist the urge to breath again!
Im getting to that part now!!
Rugby is such an amazing challenge of power endurance and mental strength.. it really is the greatest sport there is!
Did you know that in the 2007 world cup final  Bryan Habana (South Africas winger) did the 100 meters in under 10 second 10 times or something rediculous like that.In 80 minutes.... thats not to add all the other running and pushing he did!And have you seen all sprinters after one race... they look dead!! (except Usain Bolt)
You get to run until your heart gives out, shout and not feel like a prat , challenge yourself against people bigger than yourself try to outsmart the other team as you decide what move to pull of next orr just give up and attempt to smash your way though! (and if your me fail)
And then when your defending you see there people running at you and your body tells you to get out there way as the adrenalin kicks in and then instead you go into them and its the most amazing thrill!
Then after spending 80 minutes pummeling each over the 2 teams shake hands and relax :)
Its a true gentlemans sport, it is simply amazing :)

Hope/interest :)

Ive probably made like 3 decent uni mates? which isnt a bad effort :)
Im also hanging more with some of the old hub people which is kwl :)
However one of my new friends in particular is awesome :)
She's single and i rather like her :)
Dare I hope?

fml.

Uni is awesome.
work sucks but it brings in money
money is useful, but bottom of my priorities right now
I wanna play rugby but cant till i get a car...cant get a car till i get the money
because of uni (top priority) this will take months
girls seem to have forgot i exist...which im used too but still sucks
would love to change that and am trying!
but that still sucks
and a close family member has been diagnosed with cancer
which like a dark cloud overcasts my mood
thought id keep this short and ermmm sour
like a lemon.

Uni, the future and the present.

Gotta say im 2 days into orientation week and uni just seems to feel right. I know it will change alot come the start of the year... there will be no freebies and stalls and such things, however even discounting those things its just a feeling i get when im there. Walking around the campus on my own this morning I saw just how beautiful and inspirational a place it is and the people i've met so far have all been lovely and just the general atmosphere is awesome.Even when ive been in boring lecture type things its felt good.. like this suits me and is where I belong.
This is all awesome the problem is however there is so many clubs i want to join and nowhere near enough time!
I count atleast 5 I seriously wanna join and there just aint time! Not with work and revision and other important things. Although I do believe im gonna do a sport of sometype (preferably rugby) to keep fit and boost my low confidence, and also a social group of some sort either something interesting like astronomy orr something meaningfull like amnesty international.I mean its all good talking about making a difference and your beliefs but if we dont fight for them and attempt to make a difference were just as bad as the perpertrators.

Other things in life are good aswell though. I had a haircut and didnt come out the other side feeling the need to hide away for weeks (which believe me is no exaggeration and is extremely rare), im finding it easy to talk to people at uni, iv seen mates ive not seen in ages and am getting to go to a huge party with one such awesome girl ive not seen in ages (and you louise obviously).Also as ive already blogged an old close friend has come out of hiding and im enjoying talking to her again :) although most importantly my awesome best mates (who know who they are) continue to be awesome and brighten my darkest skies :)
confidence is still a big issue but there you go
Anyway thats not what i wanted to blog....sorry post (Louise you'll be happy i'm no longer a COMPLETE noob) to be about, I want it to stick to uni.
Seeing what uni life could possibly become has opened my eyes to the immediate few years in my life. I read a post in the student paper which has also inspired this, they said that you can either float through uni or you can become it and grab it with both hands and make it a real experience!
I wish to do the second of these. I wanna really get into it and live nd breath uni just get completely involved.I think this is by far the best and most enjoyable way to approach it. So I wanna unlock the time to do these things and get involved.. so im scheming up ways I can make up the time :P most of them involve saving up and saying bi to work :)
Im also seriosuly debating the forces as a possible career option... I think itd suit me and that id enjoy it.. although thats not for a few years yet
we shall seee
I just hope i can make the most of uni.
Oh and somewhere in therre im gonna meet an amazing girl :P

okay seriously... WTF!

soo its been like what 3 months?
now you wanna be friends again?
you know after deciding we would date then completely and utterly ignoring me for months
after telling people i was creepy and annoying
you pop up and talk to me again
and i should be really pissed off and like NO..
butt i cant lie.. i smiled :)
because up until sorta a couple month bk when it sorta slipped my mind
i missed you
and i cant help but too hope your actually talking again and am gonna continue you
so we can be friends again.

A tale of two worlds.

At the moment my life seems a little yin and yang, black and white, apples and oranges, Beiber and Slayer-a tale of two conflicting opposite sides and contradictions.
Lets ignore everything about my grandad, Callum (and bitchface) and family in general as they already have or will garner their own separate posts.
For this I want to focus on two things. Myself and more importantly my friends.
Good things are happening in these respects at the moment. My friends as I've said on multiple occasions are amazing! They're multiple and for the most part they're extremely close to me. I love you guys and you're possibly the closest group of mates as a whole I've ever had. At least on a par with my group in England (although at a single level my Joey still has a special place).
Amazingly I'm still making more friends as well or getting much closer to others.
However on the other hand I still lament the loss of my friends in England, I'm missing Joe like crazy at the moment and I just wish he could be here. I'm also missing my rugby group so much right now, I miss the banter and the blokeyness and that sheer rush of adrenalin as I attempt to take on everyone who's bigger than me :P
So whilst I feel so involved and loved and full I also feel like a large part of me is missing ... sports, lads nights outs and Joe. I mean don't get me wrong, I love you ladies to bits and dread the thought of losing any of you but sometimes a lad needs his lads... Perhaps thats why I've been wanting to hang with peter more lately but hell, he's one laddy lad and that just ain't enough!
On the subject of Peter thats another thing that's going well. Some of my mates are finding happiness either in the form of couples or a loved one coming home are even just getting into a fitter state of mind.
However all this talk of relationships and what not is having a detrimental effect on me, although I won't let it be known.
Having got a scholarship and the course I want at university my confidence should be sky high... that would be logical.
However these grazes and cuts ive received (courtesy of a fall off my bike) provide a much more accurate image of my confidence right now. My fall has meant I'm now extremely tender in places and just plain hurting in others however no real serious damage has been done.
So as you've all done english you'll realise this means my confidence has taken quite a beating, although not to the point where I'm gonna have some mental breakdown.
I feel more unfit, out of shape and just generally ugly than I have since I lost my weight.The bike ride to Peter's today brought a sick metallic taste to my mouth... an after-effect of exercising after so long which I know is really nothing to do with general fitness. Still, it didn't stop me becoming sourly dissapointed and discontent with my fitness which I'm extremely insecure about, without feeling I can have pride in my fitness m confidence is knocked down a shitload.
On top of this, I feel like I couldn't even pull a desperate slut who's just gagging for anything (sorry about the horrible metaphor their). Whilst seeing other couples form makes me happy for them it make me wonder why not me? Why am I still single? I realised that out of our main group I'm now the only properly single bloke.
Quite a confidence killer. Hell I'm not just single, I dont know a single girl who's interested in me, or even just finds me attractive properly.
So this has taken my confidence from rather high a few months ago too me feeling like an unfit pig with the charms of a toad and the looks to match. At this moment I have no idea why anyone would be interested to be fair soo I don't know why I'm complaining.
I feel like I've become the fat, ugly unfit lad I was before I lost the weight. The lad who was friends with everyone but whenever people talked about anything more the mention of my name was scoffed at.

I hated that person.

I changed the name of this blog once i actually started crying.

Tonight im feeling a bit low. Not 100% sure why or what exactly has triggered it I just am.
Feel a bit like a cry... I think I just need a hug, dont worry too much though this is how i tend to feel quite often.
My point being i can handle it as im used to it.
I dunno if it because my grandad is a very proud man, hes a typical english gentlemen, stubborn yes but also extremely noble and proud. He's also quite often the life of a family gathering.
However in the time ive left England he seems to have aged 50 years. Hes in constant pain with his back, has barely spoke a word and currently needs a zimmer frame to walk. Yes my proud and noble grandad hes been reduced to needing a zimmer frame to get around and it seems to me he feels like hes lost all his dignity and pride and feels like half a man.
I just want him to know that we love him even if hes a cripple and that hes twice the man i ever hope to be.
Nothing in the word means more to me then when my grandad shakes my hand in congratulations or when he tells everyone how far im gonna go, I want to make him proud with every step I walk and everything I do.
So to see him so fragile and wallowing in the dark depths of self pity seemingly ready to give up is ripping me apart.
There currently doing all the checks and theres the possibility he my have cancer, he says his gut instinct is that he don't and i hope to the depths of hell and back hes right and the doctors do something that'll atleast make him with whats hapenning to some degree, flick the light back on in his head.
I worry that when he leaves australia ill never see him again, that hell never get the chance to see me succeed, or watch me get married someday.
I just want some resembelence of my old grandad back :(

On what seems like a trivial pathetic teenagery note
I think ive already found the answer to something else
Its not the one i was hoping for.

Typical teenager

Again I have to say that i am extremely happy with my lot in life right now.Again I have to say I wouldn't change it for the world.Again I have to say that life really couldn't improve a great deal right now.
Although I do wish bad news would stop striking my friends down from the heights of life they were perched on.
Its not fair, there far 2 awesome to deserve any of this, but i suppose that life. Life is cold and at many times cruel and unfair, however, at times it can be epic :) .
Now to contradict myself... I would change my life in a few ways.
Theres the silly impossible stuff like wanting to be taller, more handsome and less unco.
On a more realistic note however im starting to feel the blues of single life.
I miss having girls intrested in me, not since November have i know a girl to be interested in me.
I miss falling for girls, the thrill of the chase, the flirting and not knowing if they like you back.
I miss being able to kiss someone.
So like a typical teenager I wanna fall into circles of love and lust again.
Id change my life so I can have some female interest... but that is all the rest is good :) .

Time

Time is a perculier thing... it is an inescapable fact of life, a mercyless dimension relentlessly changing out lives.
And i wish time would slow down cause there is never enough of it!
I am extremely happy right now. I have a decent paying job with relatively easy work and decent people to work with. My mates are absolutely epic! even with all the insecurities (and more than a fair share of tears) i wouldnt change a single thing about any of them!! there even all pretty!!! and they make life soo much better :)
its got to the point (like many of them) i hate being alone cause it feels like time wasted which could be spent with these amazing people!!
and for once in my life things actually seem simple as im not desperatly cooning (english slang similar to longing) over a girl whos not intrested! or worrying about keeping a very needy girlfriend happy who i dont really wanna be with! :) (although saying that, their's a few i wouldnt wanna put offf if... sorta hard to explain :P )
im just enjoying life :) having lots of fun and not really worrying about anything or despertely trying to find someone. I just want life to stay as it is!!!I want these time's to continue forever :)
but there are only a couple of months left before inevitably uni starts and things change
and so i hope time will atleast slow down
or preferably stop :)