Uni, the future and the present.

Gotta say im 2 days into orientation week and uni just seems to feel right. I know it will change alot come the start of the year... there will be no freebies and stalls and such things, however even discounting those things its just a feeling i get when im there. Walking around the campus on my own this morning I saw just how beautiful and inspirational a place it is and the people i've met so far have all been lovely and just the general atmosphere is awesome.Even when ive been in boring lecture type things its felt good.. like this suits me and is where I belong.
This is all awesome the problem is however there is so many clubs i want to join and nowhere near enough time!
I count atleast 5 I seriously wanna join and there just aint time! Not with work and revision and other important things. Although I do believe im gonna do a sport of sometype (preferably rugby) to keep fit and boost my low confidence, and also a social group of some sort either something interesting like astronomy orr something meaningfull like amnesty international.I mean its all good talking about making a difference and your beliefs but if we dont fight for them and attempt to make a difference were just as bad as the perpertrators.

Other things in life are good aswell though. I had a haircut and didnt come out the other side feeling the need to hide away for weeks (which believe me is no exaggeration and is extremely rare), im finding it easy to talk to people at uni, iv seen mates ive not seen in ages and am getting to go to a huge party with one such awesome girl ive not seen in ages (and you louise obviously).Also as ive already blogged an old close friend has come out of hiding and im enjoying talking to her again :) although most importantly my awesome best mates (who know who they are) continue to be awesome and brighten my darkest skies :)
confidence is still a big issue but there you go
Anyway thats not what i wanted to blog....sorry post (Louise you'll be happy i'm no longer a COMPLETE noob) to be about, I want it to stick to uni.
Seeing what uni life could possibly become has opened my eyes to the immediate few years in my life. I read a post in the student paper which has also inspired this, they said that you can either float through uni or you can become it and grab it with both hands and make it a real experience!
I wish to do the second of these. I wanna really get into it and live nd breath uni just get completely involved.I think this is by far the best and most enjoyable way to approach it. So I wanna unlock the time to do these things and get involved.. so im scheming up ways I can make up the time :P most of them involve saving up and saying bi to work :)
Im also seriosuly debating the forces as a possible career option... I think itd suit me and that id enjoy it.. although thats not for a few years yet
we shall seee
I just hope i can make the most of uni.
Oh and somewhere in therre im gonna meet an amazing girl :P

okay seriously... WTF!

soo its been like what 3 months?
now you wanna be friends again?
you know after deciding we would date then completely and utterly ignoring me for months
after telling people i was creepy and annoying
you pop up and talk to me again
and i should be really pissed off and like NO..
butt i cant lie.. i smiled :)
because up until sorta a couple month bk when it sorta slipped my mind
i missed you
and i cant help but too hope your actually talking again and am gonna continue you
so we can be friends again.

A tale of two worlds.

At the moment my life seems a little yin and yang, black and white, apples and oranges, Beiber and Slayer-a tale of two conflicting opposite sides and contradictions.
Lets ignore everything about my grandad, Callum (and bitchface) and family in general as they already have or will garner their own separate posts.
For this I want to focus on two things. Myself and more importantly my friends.
Good things are happening in these respects at the moment. My friends as I've said on multiple occasions are amazing! They're multiple and for the most part they're extremely close to me. I love you guys and you're possibly the closest group of mates as a whole I've ever had. At least on a par with my group in England (although at a single level my Joey still has a special place).
Amazingly I'm still making more friends as well or getting much closer to others.
However on the other hand I still lament the loss of my friends in England, I'm missing Joe like crazy at the moment and I just wish he could be here. I'm also missing my rugby group so much right now, I miss the banter and the blokeyness and that sheer rush of adrenalin as I attempt to take on everyone who's bigger than me :P
So whilst I feel so involved and loved and full I also feel like a large part of me is missing ... sports, lads nights outs and Joe. I mean don't get me wrong, I love you ladies to bits and dread the thought of losing any of you but sometimes a lad needs his lads... Perhaps thats why I've been wanting to hang with peter more lately but hell, he's one laddy lad and that just ain't enough!
On the subject of Peter thats another thing that's going well. Some of my mates are finding happiness either in the form of couples or a loved one coming home are even just getting into a fitter state of mind.
However all this talk of relationships and what not is having a detrimental effect on me, although I won't let it be known.
Having got a scholarship and the course I want at university my confidence should be sky high... that would be logical.
However these grazes and cuts ive received (courtesy of a fall off my bike) provide a much more accurate image of my confidence right now. My fall has meant I'm now extremely tender in places and just plain hurting in others however no real serious damage has been done.
So as you've all done english you'll realise this means my confidence has taken quite a beating, although not to the point where I'm gonna have some mental breakdown.
I feel more unfit, out of shape and just generally ugly than I have since I lost my weight.The bike ride to Peter's today brought a sick metallic taste to my mouth... an after-effect of exercising after so long which I know is really nothing to do with general fitness. Still, it didn't stop me becoming sourly dissapointed and discontent with my fitness which I'm extremely insecure about, without feeling I can have pride in my fitness m confidence is knocked down a shitload.
On top of this, I feel like I couldn't even pull a desperate slut who's just gagging for anything (sorry about the horrible metaphor their). Whilst seeing other couples form makes me happy for them it make me wonder why not me? Why am I still single? I realised that out of our main group I'm now the only properly single bloke.
Quite a confidence killer. Hell I'm not just single, I dont know a single girl who's interested in me, or even just finds me attractive properly.
So this has taken my confidence from rather high a few months ago too me feeling like an unfit pig with the charms of a toad and the looks to match. At this moment I have no idea why anyone would be interested to be fair soo I don't know why I'm complaining.
I feel like I've become the fat, ugly unfit lad I was before I lost the weight. The lad who was friends with everyone but whenever people talked about anything more the mention of my name was scoffed at.

I hated that person.

I changed the name of this blog once i actually started crying.

Tonight im feeling a bit low. Not 100% sure why or what exactly has triggered it I just am.
Feel a bit like a cry... I think I just need a hug, dont worry too much though this is how i tend to feel quite often.
My point being i can handle it as im used to it.
I dunno if it because my grandad is a very proud man, hes a typical english gentlemen, stubborn yes but also extremely noble and proud. He's also quite often the life of a family gathering.
However in the time ive left England he seems to have aged 50 years. Hes in constant pain with his back, has barely spoke a word and currently needs a zimmer frame to walk. Yes my proud and noble grandad hes been reduced to needing a zimmer frame to get around and it seems to me he feels like hes lost all his dignity and pride and feels like half a man.
I just want him to know that we love him even if hes a cripple and that hes twice the man i ever hope to be.
Nothing in the word means more to me then when my grandad shakes my hand in congratulations or when he tells everyone how far im gonna go, I want to make him proud with every step I walk and everything I do.
So to see him so fragile and wallowing in the dark depths of self pity seemingly ready to give up is ripping me apart.
There currently doing all the checks and theres the possibility he my have cancer, he says his gut instinct is that he don't and i hope to the depths of hell and back hes right and the doctors do something that'll atleast make him with whats hapenning to some degree, flick the light back on in his head.
I worry that when he leaves australia ill never see him again, that hell never get the chance to see me succeed, or watch me get married someday.
I just want some resembelence of my old grandad back :(

On what seems like a trivial pathetic teenagery note
I think ive already found the answer to something else
Its not the one i was hoping for.

Typical teenager

Again I have to say that i am extremely happy with my lot in life right now.Again I have to say I wouldn't change it for the world.Again I have to say that life really couldn't improve a great deal right now.
Although I do wish bad news would stop striking my friends down from the heights of life they were perched on.
Its not fair, there far 2 awesome to deserve any of this, but i suppose that life. Life is cold and at many times cruel and unfair, however, at times it can be epic :) .
Now to contradict myself... I would change my life in a few ways.
Theres the silly impossible stuff like wanting to be taller, more handsome and less unco.
On a more realistic note however im starting to feel the blues of single life.
I miss having girls intrested in me, not since November have i know a girl to be interested in me.
I miss falling for girls, the thrill of the chase, the flirting and not knowing if they like you back.
I miss being able to kiss someone.
So like a typical teenager I wanna fall into circles of love and lust again.
Id change my life so I can have some female interest... but that is all the rest is good :) .

Time

Time is a perculier thing... it is an inescapable fact of life, a mercyless dimension relentlessly changing out lives.
And i wish time would slow down cause there is never enough of it!
I am extremely happy right now. I have a decent paying job with relatively easy work and decent people to work with. My mates are absolutely epic! even with all the insecurities (and more than a fair share of tears) i wouldnt change a single thing about any of them!! there even all pretty!!! and they make life soo much better :)
its got to the point (like many of them) i hate being alone cause it feels like time wasted which could be spent with these amazing people!!
and for once in my life things actually seem simple as im not desperatly cooning (english slang similar to longing) over a girl whos not intrested! or worrying about keeping a very needy girlfriend happy who i dont really wanna be with! :) (although saying that, their's a few i wouldnt wanna put offf if... sorta hard to explain :P )
im just enjoying life :) having lots of fun and not really worrying about anything or despertely trying to find someone. I just want life to stay as it is!!!I want these time's to continue forever :)
but there are only a couple of months left before inevitably uni starts and things change
and so i hope time will atleast slow down
or preferably stop :)

hmmm perculiar / the sands are shifting?

something strange just happened, or rather i was surprised at my lack of reaction
a certain somebody just popped online on msn
Now usually i would get a shot of adrenalin at this point, excitement and dread all mixed into one
Marking that the sands are still where they were, stuck in a pointless pathetic situation
However
this time i felt next to nothing, which surprised me.
Just a small meh shame your not talking and its pointless trying
the same youd feel for a sorta half friend that you spoke to every so often but have since fallen out of touch.
aka near to nothing, finally
I could be wrong, maybe im just talking normal bullshit
but i dont think i have lamented about the situaton for a while now.
and with this
I believe the sands are shifting
THANK FUCK FOR THAT!